My father died almost a month ago. We were very close. I want to do some kind of personal ritual to honor him. As a Ritualist, do you have any suggestions on what I can do? ~Mourning in LA

Dear Reader

First, I am sorry to hear of your loss. There is nothing, truly, that prepares us to lose our loved ones. I hope you give yourself plenty of time to grieve. May his spirit be wrapped in your love. 

Ritual is a human birthright and I encourage you to follow your intuition as to what elements you would like to add or leave out. Anything goes! Here are my suggestions: 

You can do this ritual at home, or somewhere private that was special to the two of you, or in nature.

1. Find some special items that were his and/or things that you know he loved. This can be personal items of his, plus things that you can gather from your home or the store that you know he enjoyed. Include his favorite drink – tea, coffee, whiskey, and bring enough to pour two glasses or cups. Gather his favorite treats.  

2. Gather other items that remind you of him, like a flower, rock, picture, jewelry, anything that brings him to your mind.

3. Gather plain paper and a pen to write on as well as a small cooking pot, matches or lighter, candle, a cloth for the ground, or clear a space in your home. You will be making an altar. This can be a temporary altar or one that remains in your home.

4. Find a song, or reading that brings him to your heart.

5. Find your space to have your ritual. Make sure you have space to be alone. Place the cloth on the ground, or on a table. Build your altar with all the things you have gathered. When you are ready, light the candle, close your eyes and get centered. Take some deep breaths. Bring your loved one to mind.

6. Pour a drink for you and your dad. Set his cup on the altar, enjoy yours. Call to mind enjoyable conversations or moments with him. As best as you can, BE with him. And soak it up.

7. Now is the time to say anything to him that remains on your heart. If you are in nature, know that trees and water are able to absorb and transform your pain. Let it all out. Cry, wail, yell, release it all, and say it all. Imagine him listening with an open mind and heart, receiving your words and feelings.

8. On one paper, write the things you want to carry on from your loved one, that you want to grow in your life. On the other paper, write the things you want to end with your loved one, perhaps a familial pattern you do not want to carry on. Plant the one you want to carry on and nourish, in healthy soil, somewhere you can remember it. Burn the other using the candle and placing the paper in the small pot, for safety. If needed use the lid. Toss the ashes into running water. Let it go. Cut the cord.

9. Read or sing what you brought. If you are at home, you can leave the candle burning until it burns all the way down. Or the bring the items home and set up the altar somewhere, re-light the candle and let it burn all the way down (safely) 

10. Close with a blessing on your loved one soul. Just let the words come up naturally. Start with, “May your soul be blessed, may…”

11. Hold your hand to your heart and know that your loved one lives on in you. When you are ready, intentionally close your ritual and gather your things.

12.Water the soil where you planted the paper over the next few weeks or as long as you are called to. Leave the altar up as long as it feels nourishing to you. 

May you be wrapped in love as you grieve.

~ Rev. Deshna Shine

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