I’m going to talk about something that isn’t talked about, so if you’re squeamish, or have very recently fallen in love, please look away.

I’m in love my husband, but I love other men, too. And women, for that matter.

Not in a sexual way– not even in a romantic way. But in a goddam “I am wildly attracted to this person and must know more immediately” kinda way.

I’ve been with my wonderful, caring, gorgeous, adoring partner for very nearly a decade. (And, yes, that is a lot of time to have sex with just one person.) My husband is all the perfect adjectives I could write and more; he loves me to distraction; I could never find anyone who loves me or supports me as much as he does.

And yet…

You know exactly what I’m talking about: you meet someone. You click. Your heart beats a little faster. You fall a little in love with them. It’s not really love, of course—love is what you have with the person who makes you dinner and has seen you tweezing your eyebrows with hair color on your roots and Nair on your legs. (Please tell me I’m not the only one!)

If you are very lucky, you are not sexually attracted to this person you’re wildly attracted to, so there’s no danger of throwing away your life on a fling. If you’re very unlucky, you are attracted, and you have to put the full “I am a married woman” press on your inner goddess and run– quickly!—in the other direction.

My friend Tess Clark wrote about this phenomenon in a letter to a young man she’d met on her (incredible!) pilgrimage on the El Camino Trail in Spain. [Read More about this here.] Martin was twenty-something, handsome, about to reunite with his girlfriend—and completely, hopelessly, smitten with Tess, romantically and otherwise—and she liked him, too. Even though nothing happened between them, Martin was so conflicted about his feelings that Tess wrote him this letter:

I think that part of opening our hearts more and more means that we become increasingly attracted to a variety of people at the same time. I don’t think that attraction and romance need to always be linked. So you can have an attraction for me, or anyone passing you on the street, and not have it threaten your existing relationship.

If we’re truly honest with ourselves, we ought to fall in love several times a day. I know I do. People excite me. All kinds of people. All the time. I have to decide if I will act on my feelings or just let them exist.
It’s not often appropriate to express all our feelings romantically. It’s not even necessary.

And so what I want for you, and for me, is for you to hold these feelings you have for me, let them move you as they will, and maybe even allow them to express themselves in your relationship with your girlfriend with whom you are reuniting.

It doesn’t have to be confusing. It doesn’t have to be figured out. Part of having passion, I think, and part of allowing yourself a deeper, fuller experience of life, is allowing all kinds of conflicting and confusing thoughts and feelings to all exist at the same time.

Beautifully, beautifully put, Tess. Especially the “it doesn’t have to be confusing, it doesn’t have to be figured out” part.

Well. My heart is wide open, which means I fall in love all the time. Daily, sometimes hourly. I connect quickly and deeply and willingly, because it makes life so much richer.

I’m choosing to be vulnerable and write about this because I know if it’s happening to me, it’s happening to other people out there.

So there it is. Life is about embracing the conflicted feeling…while choosing not to embrace the person you’re a little in love with.

Live and let Love.

 

Reba Riley is the author of Post-Traumatic Church Syndrome: A Memoir of Humor and Healing in 30 Religions

Originally published on Patheos, here.